Little Boxes
I used to think that life could be categorized into neat, little boxes — just like stuff — one box for each part of life, such as work, school and socializing — another box for each stage of life, such as teenager, young adult and so on — and boxes for each huge event, such as graduations, wedding, a new baby … blah, blah blah. But it turns out that that isn’t real life. Go figure. That was just my way of dealing with the vastness of this journey we call life — it is how I dealt with the incredible lack of structure and direction that life really is.
There was a time not so long ago, just a few years actually, that if something happened that was “outside of my box” of life expectations and experiences, I would freak out. It didn’t have to be something too crazy … let’s just say I got a speeding ticket or missed a workout … it was out of the ordinary for me and threw my life into a frenzy. How would I pay for the ticket when I had already allotted my money for the month? How would I function without my scheduled workout?
I can’t believe how much I stifled myself. And, I do still catch myself doing it from time to time. The rational side of me realizes that the world will not, in fact, coming crashing down if I don’t jump rope for thirty minutes. Quen will still love me if I get frustrated about changing his diaper while he’s a wiggle worm. I will not gain twenty pounds overnight if I miss a workout … or three. Earthquakes will not happen if we order carryout instead of cooking dinner, even though we have all the ingredients necessary to make the perfect meal. But there is still that nagging irrational side of me that swears up and down that the world will stop if I do something different.
I work on stepping outside of my “little boxes” every day, although it is really an uphill battle for someone that color codes her closet and has always organized life into specific categories. Sometimes being human really cramps my style, but I guess that is what makes the journey interesting. Realizing it helps me focus on teaching my son that life is messy … not perfect — but the real challenge is believing and living my own advice. I think I’ll break my mold for today and go take a nap.
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Back to the World … with Baby!
Hello readers! It seems like it’s been a LONG, LONG time since I’ve written anything. One thing I didn’t realize about having a baby is how much time they take! Not only time — but patience, stamina and as much caffeine as I’m allowed while breastfeeding. No one tells you the whole truth about becoming a parent … let alone a breastfeeding mother of a baby that never likes to be put down! I’ve decided that my baby is “high needs” and demands more of my love and affection than an average baby. I’m sure all moms believe this, but then all moms also believe that their babies are the cutest babies that ever lived (of course I think mine is, but for ME, it’s the truth … because he is!) It’s been an incredible journey from reading the word “Pregnant” on the pee-stick to today, watching my little guy peacefully snooze on the couch. Some moments I wonder how I’ll make it through another day of someone needing me so hard core, and other moments I am so overcome with gratefulness and a warm sensation of love that I think I’m going to explode. Yes, parenthood … it’s already the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced, but also the best. How can something so hard be so good?
I guess the best things in life are those that we never expect. I never expected a tiny baby to change me from the inside-out. I never expected to fall in love with a little person — I never liked babies much, but now there is no one I like more (well, that’s not entirely true, I like dad just as much!) I never expected that losing more and more sleep every night would be so worth it. But it is. Just seeing his face, his chubby little fingers and toes and his hand that lies on my chest as he nurses makes me appreciate everything around me so much more than I ever did before. Whenever I feel like things are hard and monotonous, I remember how lucky we are to have a healthy, happy baby. The journey is so much easier to enjoy than it was before. I now see what life is all about. At least some of it anyway …
Of course, I don’t have it all figured out, but I have some of it figured out. And ”some” is enough for me.
Filed under: Baby, Life Purpose | 1 Comment
Will You Marry Me & Baby Kicks
Sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve written, folks. Things have been busy with the holidays, a baby coming and what-not. But enough excuses, let me get down to business.
So … as many of you already know … we are having a BOY! Chris and I are both so excited because (deep down) it is what we both REALLY wanted. Yes, a girl would be just as loved, but there’s something about getting your wish that makes it all the better.
The past few weeks have been the craziest in my life, perhaps. Chris proposed about 2 weeks ago at our favorite restaurant with 6 of our fabulous friends present. They held up a huge sign that said, “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”, and when I turned around, there was Chris holding the ring box with the most beautiful princess-cut diamond I have ever seen. It honestly is, and I couldn’t have done a better job picking out a ring myself … the best part is we never went and looked at rings together or anything — he did it strictly from his heart, and that is part of what made it so special. We have joked on an off about marriage, especially since I’ve been pregnant, but never in a million years did I expect it to happen now. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with my two boys.
So what has this little tike in my belly been up to lately? Well, he’s active as heck. He seems to do somersaults especially after I eat “worldly” foods like Mideastern Veggie Gallahba or Mexican. The spices seem to set him off into a frenzy of acrobatics that can be seen from the outside of my stomach. It’s very alien-like & creepy for a first-time mom, but it makes me smile inside everytime it happens. It’s not a sweet “butterfly” sensation like I’ve read about in the pregnancy books — it’s like an annoying little kid tap-tap-tapping on my belly from the inside, wanting to be noticed. Don’t worry, little one, you are noticed. Another way to explain it would be like a muscle twitch, but stronger … and not regular — the movements are very sporadic, and sometimes I find myself sitting there for long periods of time watching and waiting for it to happen again. Already my adult passtimes have turned into something far less educational — but it’s far more fun & meaningful than any book I have ever read.
So far, this experience of being pregnant has changed me. I stare at and rub my belly in disbelief when I’m alone. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of my newly round profile in a reflective surface, it reminds me that my life will be forever changed in less than 4 short months. Already, we sit and talk about how things will be different, but I know we cannot truly know how different that is until we get there and are amidst dirty diapers, feedings and night-time cries. But like everything else worthwhile in life — it’s worth waiting for, and it’s worth the work and self-sacrifice because of the meaning, love & life experience that will come with it.
We can’t wait to meet you little guy.
Filed under: Life Purpose, Pregnancy Tales, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Don’t Kill the Baby!
So, I think I’m finally over losing all my work from my previous blog (on Blogger). I’m very disappointed in Blogger in that they never got back to me about helping me get my blog back — and, I think it’s a disgrace, and I’ll be sure to tell everyone I know not to use them if they can help it. DON’T USE BLOGGER IF YOU CHERISH YOUR WORK! OK, I’m done venting now.
So, for anyone that missed gruesome details about pregancy, I’m back! I’m about 17 1/2 weeks along, and things are starting to feel really “real”. It’s so weird being pregnant, it really is. I think it’s even weirder since the pregnancy was completely unexpected since I never had a chance to get used to the idea that I’d be growing a little alien in my tummy. (And I know it’s an alien because when the Dr. used the Doppler to listen to the heartbeat last week, it made a very alien sound that even the Dr. didn’t recognize, and we both couldn’t stop laughing.) The first trimester, although disgusting due to nausea and gas, was sort of a “bliss” period in which I could easily fit into all my normal clothes, continue to go out into the world without feeling like peeing every six seconds and kind of gloating in my own little personal world of “being pregnant”. Now that people know, it’s odd because everyone always asks how I’m doing (but what they really mean is how are you feeling since you’re pregnant and probably really uncomfortable right now … and also secretly grateful that it’s not them). I just realized the other day that never again will anyone ask how I am doing “just because”. It was always be because I’m pregnant or after pregnancy they will ask about me, my child and/or my family. Wow, I’m going to have a family. That is really something, but it’s a good something. All these little realizations hit every once in awhile, and I think they are coming more and more because I can really notice my stomach popping out now — so it’s 100% real. I can no longer “suck it in” — it hurts to suck it in, so it’s good to actually let it all hang out and let the belly do what it’s supposed to do.
Thank god my jeans still fit … for now anyway.
There are no weird food cravings lately. The second trimester really is so much better like everyone said it would be. The only weird side effects happening lately are sudden tiredness (I just can’t stay up for a movie OR get up in the morning … and that is so unlike me) and sharp twinges in my lower abdomen when I move weird … it’s those ligaments stretching. And I’ll probably look like I’ve aged 10 years on the left side of my face by the time this is all over because sleeping on my left side is the only comfortable way to sleep (that, and Chris told me that I’ll kill the baby if I sleep any other way … but what he really means is that I am way over on my side of the bed, and it’s a convenient excuse to give him more room in bed at night for at least 5 more months). I also noticed my belly button looks different, and that’s when I realized that it’s stretching out and preparing for future months when it will probably pop out like a turkey timer on Thanksgiving day. Hot.
Actually, “don’t kill the baby” is our new saying around the house … I say it when Chris tickles me too hard, plays too rough or pushes the dogs on me. I say it when I think he doesn’t cook the meat long enough and doesn’t take the trash out. 
What can I say, it’s maternal instinct … and it just sounds funny too.
I will continue to keep you updated on the fun trials & tribulations of being pregnant. I’ll always strive to be honest, no matter how bad it gets … promise. Next week we find out if we’re having a Quentin or a Summer. Stay tuned.
Filed under: Pregnancy Tales | 2 Comments
Losing It All
Last night, I discovered that my blog Girl From a Small Town (which was previously hosted on Blogger) was deleted. I deleted my Google account, and little did I know that that would completely eliminate my Blogger blog and everything I have written in the past three to four years. It was really devastating! I cried so hard that my cheeks turned red and I made blubbering sounds. Chris, my boyfriend, patted me on the head and gave me a gift certificate for a massage. I had to admit, I felt a little better. But never have I felt such a sense of loss of accomplishment. My complilation of stories, articles, thoughts and dreams is something I was very proud of, and losing it all in one moment is heartbreaking.
Then I “slept on it” last night, and today I feel a little better. I realize that I am, indeed, a writer — and all I have to do is continue writing, and I will build something even bigger and better than before. It is fun to go back and read about my “previous lives”, though, and I will miss being able to delve deeply into my past and explore how I’ve grown whenever I feel like it. However, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is the kick I needed in order to create something more inspiring than before.
The complete loss of something is a profound lesson. It is like losing someone you love — you grieve, but then you get on with your life because you have no other choice. You just have to. And no one else can help you but yourself. You take the good things that you can from the past, and you continue to grow and expand upon that life experience. Hopefully some good will come out of losing everything I’ve written in the past three to four years. If anything, I have learned to regularly back up everything I write!
Filed under: Loss, Writers' Angst | 1 Comment
Tags: Loss, Writers' Angst, writing
Fire in My Belly
Can you believe that I can and will write an entire couple of pages about heartburn and gas? By god, it’s true, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I know that if you are pregnant or plan to be in the future, that you are glad I’m touching on this disgusting subject that doesn’t seem to get enough attention in those pretty “what to expect” type of books. They are so short and sweet when it comes to the symptoms that seem to take over your life starting in the first trimester. They give you two little words, “gas” and “heartburn”, and that’s about as much as they divulge. And just because you might not look pregnant by the time this starts happening, your body sure as hell tells you another story. That’s why you’ll get a lot of “Oh, how bad can it be’s?” and “Geez, wait until you’re nine months pregnant!”
Oh, good grief, Bean – what are you doing in there? For the past week, I’ve developed a case of fireball-heartburn and fire coming out of my you know what. It doesn’t matter what I eat, I have gas that permeates walls. I could have applesauce, and my body will process it like it’s week-old compost in the garbage bin. I go into other rooms to try to be discreet, only to have it follow me around like a Pig Pen cloud of dust. Not only that, but when I go back into that room later, it is still waiting for me, lingering for weeks like winters in Michigan. Febreeze is saving our lives right now, although now it just smells like Febreeze and poo-garbage. Thank god farts do not show up in color.
One would think that excusing herself to the bathroom would be the thing to do in situations like this, and I most certainly do. But what do you do when you’re at a friends’ house or a store? The only solution I’ve found thus far is to break wind, open a window (if I’m lucky enough to have one), and wait. I wait and wait and hope that the smell will dissipate into the walls, and I can’t tell if I’m just getting used to the smell or it’s really gone. Either way, it’s embarrassing.
When I’m in the shower all by myself and this happens, life just doesn’t seem fair.
The fire from the other end – the heartburn – is just wrong. It has been responsible for sexless nights and drastic mood changes. One minute I’m happy-go-lucky, and the next minute I’m breathing fire … literally. It is the most uncomfortable heartburn I’ve ever experienced. It feels like tandoori has been prepped and prepared in my esophagus. Indian anyone? And, you would think things such as chocolate pudding, apples and Cream of Wheat would be gentle on the digestive tract, but that is not to be believed. Do not believe it if you are or ever should become pregnant. All foods cause gas, indigestion and heartburn – even popsicles.
And now you may be wondering how in the heck heartburn affects sex? Well, it seems the more I am touched at night, the worse the flare-up gets; it’s a very strange phenomenon. The thought of bouncing around makes me sick just thinking about it. Anything we do must be stationary and as motionless as possible – god, I cannot wait until the second trimester when I can be myself again. I hear this all goes away by then. I’m sure he will be happier too.
The morning sickness has improved somewhat, but now it seems to be night-time heartburn and all-day gas that has taken its place. I can handle all this, because I know what the final result will be; however, I hope to god that you, Bean, are not experiencing the horrendous effects of mommy’s disdain. Is everything okay in there? Does everything smell okay?
And tonight … I ate pizza. I cannot even imagine what the next few days will have in store …
Filed under: Pregnancy Tales | Leave a Comment
Tags: first time mom, first trimester, having a baby, pregnancy
Are you a die-hard self-help junkie? Do you love to read books about how to find your life purpose, how to find the perfect career or how to live your best life? If so, you’re not alone; there are a lot of us “junkies” out there, and we are all striving to create the happiest life, the best career or the most meaningful view on life. No matter how much you read, though, something doesn’t seem right – you aren’t getting from the books everything you’d like – and you don’t know exactly what that “something” is. But sometimes what you are looking for is closer than you can imagine.
Who am I to make such claims? I am a self-professed self-help junkie who has done nearly everything to try and find my specific path towards enlightenment, career fulfillment and life purpose. I’ve never smoked cracked or done any hard core drugs, but I can only imagine that being addicted to self-help literature is along the same lines, no pun intended.
Are you staring your life purpose in the face, and perhaps you don’t even realize?
Let me start by asking you three very simple, yet important, questions. Take a moment to ponder each one, and don’t forget to be completely honest with yourself. If you’re not, you are only hurting yourself by not opening up your mind to the possibilities that may exist for you. And you wouldn’t want to spoil that for yourself, would you? And – now, this is very important – go with your gut instinct on these questions; do not think too long about any one of them. Go with what comes to mind first and write it down.
1. What do you spend most of your “down time” doing?
2. Why do you choose that activity (or activities)?
3. If you didn’t have to work and had all the money you ever needed, what would you do (after the initial month, of course, in which you would probably veg out for days on end, travel to faraway places and shop until you drop. I promise … that gets boring after awhile.) If something doesn’t come to mind immediately, give it a few more minutes. Type or write it out until what you’ve come up with feels right.
These questions are important because they force you think about why you currently do what you do, how you spend your time and also what you would do if you had more time. Activities will surface that you may have put on the back burner because your job requires long hours, your social life is crazy or your family life is too demanding. Whatever the reason, remember you’re reading this article and taking the first steps toward rediscovering your passions. That is very powerful stuff.
There are a plethora of self-help books, e-books, websites and activities out there to help people like us find that one thing (or things) that makes us tick while time stops – some books call it “flow” (that is part of my self-help junkie lingo) – but it can be simpler than you ever imagined just by closing your eyes, thinking of the activities that you enjoy most and aiming for that feeling you get when you are doing that activity. You know that feeling I’m talking about – that excited feeling in the pit of your stomach, almost like a mild stomachache that makes you have to poo – it’s excitement. It’s the “Christmas morning” feeling that you may have gotten as a child. Am I saying that finding your life purpose is as simple as closing your eyes and imagining what you enjoy doing? Of course not. But I am telling you that it’s a start toward rediscovering the things that make your heart go pitter-pat. Now, going back to those three questions from before and thinking about your answers. Ask yourself why you chose what you chose. There is a reason you said what you said. Think about it.
Then, as soon as you can (today, if possible) do that activity. Do that activity whether it is five minutes or five hours and see how you feel afterwards. Do you feel exhilarated? Worn down? Utter joy? Relief? What did you learn about the time you spent doing that “thing” that you claim you love? You may feel like you found what makes you “flow”, or you may have just realized “not so much”. But that is a good thing too because that narrows it down for next time. Just mark it off your list and move on. Write down your feelings and reflect on them tomorrow. And keep doing this activity once a day until you find that thing (or things) that make your tummy ache!
Filed under: Career, Life Purpose, Published Articles | 1 Comment
Tags: Career, Life Purpose
There are times in a writers’ life that a blinking cursor on a blank page simply means that she has not put enough thought into what she wants to write about. But there are also times when she knows exactly what she wants to write about but does not know how to say it. Yes, it happens. It’s not writers block … it’s writers shock.
When something so big happens that it changes the tone of a blog, it changes how you see the world, and it is near impossible to put it into words. But I suppose that is my job here, to put into words what many people cannot. And that is what I must attempt.
So much of my blog has been contributed to thoughts about society in general — about how malicious and wrong it can be to be a part of the “rat race” — and how important it is to follow your heart and dreams in life, no matter how difficult it may be. I have often gone off on tangents about life purpose, not being able to find one, and finding the “perfect” career. So much of this seems so lame to me right now.
You see, I peed on a pregnancy test stick about three weeks ago, and it came out positive. It has changed my view on the world in such a short time. Try one day. I see things in a different light, and I am pretty sure that no matter what happens with this pregnancy, I will never quite see the world the same way again. And I will be sharing this crazy journey with you along the way. The most unexpected and scary thing that could’ve happened to someone like me has happened, and I want nothing more than to tell it like it is in all its gruesome glory.
So, if you have questions you always wanted to ask about being pregnant … how it feels, what the symptoms are … no matter how gross or ridiculous, post a comment, and we’ll explore it in future posts! Thanks for reading, and I look forward to taking this journey with you.
And … in case you were wondering … I am 9 Weeks and 4 Days along. Weird …
Filed under: Life Purpose, Pregnancy Tales | Leave a Comment
Tags: having a baby, Life Purpose, pregnancy
Teach Me the Art of Focus
Can you really do anything you want to do in life? Is it true that no matter what you set your mind to, you can achieve it? Wow – how overhwelming is that? Even if that’s so, I wonder how some people can have so much fervor and ambition to make any one thing work out successfully. It’s like they have this ability to block out all other exciting opportunities and focus just on the “one”. How do you do that? How do you concentrate on one thing so much that all other “things” pale in comparison? I’ve always lacked the gene that allows me to focus on only one thing at a time. It’s kind of a creative ADD, if you will. Everything has so much promise and excitement, that I cannot contain myself.
Any advice in this area would be madly appreciated. As much as I would love to appreciate the gift of creativity & the ability to see the possibilities in so many things, I would love, even more, to stick to one thing that touches my heart so deeply that all other possibilities fade into the background. So … how does one do this? Any ideas?
Filed under: Life Purpose | 1 Comment
Tags: Career, Life Purpose, profession
On Being a Writer
Am I even considered a writer if I’ve never been published? I don’t seem to know the right people to get my foot in the door. In my heart I am a writer, but in my head I am not a writer – writers don’t make any money unless they get published, so how can I be a “success” at my dream if I cannot even get one thing published? I have not made any money from my writing, so how am I supposed to feel successful? Yeah, I know, I know … money does not necessarily mean success, but it’s frustrating to watch your dream stand idle as time passes and no one shows any interest. It gets old. It gets old fast.
But, I will not give up. I’ll be honest, it is in my character to simply give up when the going gets tough. That’s what I do. That’s what I have always done. This time is different. Something is niggling at me and whispering “don’t give up.” That little voice echoes in between my ears every time I put down the pen or turn off the laptop. That little voice is the voice of guilt, and it’s relentless. It has always followed me around through life, and now its primary mission is to make my life a living hell by constantly reminding me that I give up too easily. So … I’m not going to give up. Not this time. My story must be shared for whatever reason. My heart tells me this is so; it reminds me to keep trekking every time I get close to throwing in the towel.
I’ll keep trekking.
Trekking. What a stupid word.
I won’t stop until that memoir is broken down into the smallest possible pieces. It would have to burn into ash and be scattered into a gust of wind before I’d consider it worthless. Even then, at least it would spread and offer itself to nature, becoming more than it ever was on its own. I will always defend my memoir, my baby, my one true accomplishment. Unsophisticated and choppy as it may be in its current state, it is the truth for me and some other girl feeling pain in her life.
I will keep my fingers crossed and my gaze fixed forward. I will continue to believe that important dreams do come true. Some things have a spirit all their own, and I believe my memoir will find its way into the right hands whether or not it makes its way to the bookshelves of Barnes & Noble.
Filed under: Writers' Angst | 1 Comment
Tags: goals, motivation, on being a writer, Writers' Angst, writing, writing goals, writing woes
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