Fire in My Belly
Can you believe that I can and will write an entire couple of pages about heartburn and gas? By god, it’s true, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I know that if you are pregnant or plan to be in the future, that you are glad I’m touching on this disgusting subject that doesn’t seem to get enough attention in those pretty “what to expect” type of books. They are so short and sweet when it comes to the symptoms that seem to take over your life starting in the first trimester. They give you two little words, “gas” and “heartburn”, and that’s about as much as they divulge. And just because you might not look pregnant by the time this starts happening, your body sure as hell tells you another story. That’s why you’ll get a lot of “Oh, how bad can it be’s?” and “Geez, wait until you’re nine months pregnant!”
Oh, good grief, Bean – what are you doing in there? For the past week, I’ve developed a case of fireball-heartburn and fire coming out of my you know what. It doesn’t matter what I eat, I have gas that permeates walls. I could have applesauce, and my body will process it like it’s week-old compost in the garbage bin. I go into other rooms to try to be discreet, only to have it follow me around like a Pig Pen cloud of dust. Not only that, but when I go back into that room later, it is still waiting for me, lingering for weeks like winters in Michigan. Febreeze is saving our lives right now, although now it just smells like Febreeze and poo-garbage. Thank god farts do not show up in color.
One would think that excusing herself to the bathroom would be the thing to do in situations like this, and I most certainly do. But what do you do when you’re at a friends’ house or a store? The only solution I’ve found thus far is to break wind, open a window (if I’m lucky enough to have one), and wait. I wait and wait and hope that the smell will dissipate into the walls, and I can’t tell if I’m just getting used to the smell or it’s really gone. Either way, it’s embarrassing.
When I’m in the shower all by myself and this happens, life just doesn’t seem fair.
The fire from the other end – the heartburn – is just wrong. It has been responsible for sexless nights and drastic mood changes. One minute I’m happy-go-lucky, and the next minute I’m breathing fire … literally. It is the most uncomfortable heartburn I’ve ever experienced. It feels like tandoori has been prepped and prepared in my esophagus. Indian anyone? And, you would think things such as chocolate pudding, apples and Cream of Wheat would be gentle on the digestive tract, but that is not to be believed. Do not believe it if you are or ever should become pregnant. All foods cause gas, indigestion and heartburn – even popsicles.
And now you may be wondering how in the heck heartburn affects sex? Well, it seems the more I am touched at night, the worse the flare-up gets; it’s a very strange phenomenon. The thought of bouncing around makes me sick just thinking about it. Anything we do must be stationary and as motionless as possible – god, I cannot wait until the second trimester when I can be myself again. I hear this all goes away by then. I’m sure he will be happier too.
The morning sickness has improved somewhat, but now it seems to be night-time heartburn and all-day gas that has taken its place. I can handle all this, because I know what the final result will be; however, I hope to god that you, Bean, are not experiencing the horrendous effects of mommy’s disdain. Is everything okay in there? Does everything smell okay?
And tonight … I ate pizza. I cannot even imagine what the next few days will have in store …
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Tags: first time mom, first trimester, having a baby, pregnancy
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